[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
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I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?