Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.