Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…

1. I don’t have a swimming pool.

2. I don’t have a girlfriend.

*deathbed*

All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*

getting down to this… sick… beat

*dies*

*widow rolls eyes*

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

We know he can swim but…

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: Reciting pottery.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.

got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Hello, my name is Pierre.