Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.

6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]

me: [hides behind GF]

GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-

me: look, we need more strong female lead char-

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

me: i will have the chicken parmesan

waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir

me: no parm, no fowl

FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.

PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.

If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..

“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”

We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

The Job Interview:

HR: So you are bilingual?

Me: Si

HR: In your native tongue please.

Me: Ooga Booga

Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

“We are going to Taiwan”

Juan: No, please don’t!

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

this was the best i’ve ever seen

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.