Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.

#lunchpun

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.

Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.

Me: Snow?

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*

Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.

Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

real

Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?

Her: Yes Your Honor!

Judge: When did you realize this?

Her: When his check bounced

Him: sex tonight?

Me: Work put me in a bad mood

Him: tomorrow?

Me: I have a headache tomorrow

Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.