Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.

Sure. Why not?

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.

When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”

Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?

“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*

my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.

Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!

Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.

Imagine having a party on purpose.

“Of course I’ve tried that!”

– me lying to my doctor about not making a simple lifestyle change he suggested because I’d rather just get a pill to fix it

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal