Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood

Breaking News:

Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.

Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.

Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

This cat wants you to take your pills

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis

“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning

What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???