“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
When the stylist spins you back around
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority