“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
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People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true