Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too