Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
You Might Also Like
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
husband: we need to get your ring insured in case there’s a fire or tornado
me: but what if the tornado wants to use my ring to propose to his tornado girlfriend
husband:
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
i made a craigslist ad !
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Still cracks me up
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally