Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
From the videos I’ve seen lately, I only need a few simple steps to renovate my kitchen:
Step 1. Come into a large inheritance
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.