Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
I will never stop laughing at this
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle