Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
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I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.