(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Hear me out: WrestleVania
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
