“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
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The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”