Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

I threw a ball for my dog.

May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.

I got an email from Nigerian spinach.

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

Twitter fine art

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?

ME: Not good.

WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.

ME: I don’t think he read it.

What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”

I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.