Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.

Wednesday

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

911: hello this is 911

me: [panicky garbled mumbling]

911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth

me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.

THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom

ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

Waiter: would you like a water?

Me: ew, gross.

Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?

Me: tempting.

Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?

Me: [nods] indeed.

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.

“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

🐥🐣

My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.