Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
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“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay