Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Ugh
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Cucumbers Anonymous
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them