Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
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It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.