Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.

So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.

MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit

“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

surgeon: scalpel.

me: careful, it’s sharp! haha

[everyone screams]

me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke

“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.

Not. Even. Joking.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead

Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor

Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.

On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.

I thought you said “Face punch me”.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert