Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

A work from home email:

Dear mom,

Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.

Best,

Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all

therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood

me: one sec

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage

According to math, I’m broke

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Cellmate: What are you in for?

Me: The free food and healthcare

Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)