Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
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Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.