Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.

A white American
White. American.

If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?

Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!

The dog came third.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.