Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

I want to know about the Oreo incident…

Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”

They didn’t like me very much.

Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.

If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.

Turns out I was on the mothership.

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????