Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran

ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now

[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk

An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination

I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]

Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

LOIS: look! up in the sky!

JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!

BABY: *opens wide*

Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH