Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.

ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.

the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

Invention idea:

Written versions of audio books.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!

UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

😭😭

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

What.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never