Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
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I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
deleting my mental health to focus on social media
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Spotted in New Orleans.
all bases covered
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!