Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
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Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Did everyone recover from the TikTok ban?! 🤣😂
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.