Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.

Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

I carry a pebble with me to throw at people who start Christmas stuff in October.

I call it my jingle bell rock.

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’

Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.

Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…

Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

Stages of drunk:

– I’m not drunk.

– I’m still not drunk.

– Who’s trunk am I in?

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

my sentiments exactly

*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.

DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.

ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning: