Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
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SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…