Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
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I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Just this preview of the story is enough
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.