Pee pressure > peer pressure
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Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.