Pee pressure > peer pressure
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Florida be like…
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.