Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
notice
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Today my friend who cuts my hair told me last year my husband walked in to the salon one afternoon and said “I want to dye my hair blonde but I don’t want to look like I’m going through a personal crisis. Do you think we can accomplish that?”
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???