Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

.

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.

me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-

Other people on life raft: please stop

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

mugger: your money or your life

me: oh you pick

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.

Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”

turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

When you have mixed feelings about bathtime

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November