Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you

Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell

Police:

Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window

Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.

It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions

*1941 movie pitch*

“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”

Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

umm…

People with pretty privilege?

You mean the gourgeoisie???

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real

My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl