Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.

Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

I might give this a try 😏

Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”

The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

thinking about the time i ran into my brother serendipitously on the streets of manhattan and he said hi and kept walking like we were in a hallway in our house

People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?

Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime

Me flirting: So do you like bread

My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Me: I’m having a bad day!

Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.

Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.

Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.

at ease…shoulder.