[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)