[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
socratic questions
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.