[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
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Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.