Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
It’s actually Dr. whatever
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.