Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
You Might Also Like
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
My mood is currently on “shuffle.”
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years