Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

BREAKING

Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?

Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!

WORK FROM HOME TIPS:

Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.

Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.

sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack

Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas

Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?

Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.