Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon

some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit

I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here

dad: *holds up condoms* what are these

son: …

dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.

Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike

me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

who exactly are airport shops for? like imagine going oops, forgot to grab a prada bag and a rolex that I totally need for my flight

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY

I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference