*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
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Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft