Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”

Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day

Owl Sanctuary

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?

I sexually identify as a hand grenade

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again