Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu

two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/

🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/

The regular crowd

👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /

Shuffles in

Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.

Me: Got it.

[Later]

Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-

Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.

[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.