*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
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People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
😂💯
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
What was the main bloke called in Harry Potter
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.