Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

me: I plead the 3rd

lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?

me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

i want enemies

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.

The best plant holders?

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.