Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

there has never been a better use of this meme

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

🤣

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.