Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me

“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?

Me: *hands cash*

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

“Go ahead, caller….”

“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.

my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔

A Short Story.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

President The Rock Obama