[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
You Might Also Like
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Eating for two.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s