*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
is it earth
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about