*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
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Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.