*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

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Me: *screaming*

Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?

Me: *muffled voice*


If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.


We’re having lobsters for dinner .

Update – we have pet lobsters now


That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years


Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.


a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread


Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds