peep davidson
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
It’s on my to-do list.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
greetings!
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop