peep davidson
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?