peeping toms
You Might Also Like
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
another case of gang violins
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people