peeping toms
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let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Im sick of the microsoft authenticator like who would be logging in to do my work? Tf 😭😭😭😭
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Nothing infuriates me more than when I’m on my phone and something wants me to scan a QR code. With what Jan? With. What.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place