peeping toms
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my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).