Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing napkin dispensers]

bob: it has 2 settings

exec: ok

bob: 1 at a time

exec: ok

bob: or 37 at a time

exec: first of all I love it

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.

I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

Fred Flintstone drove by this morning

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure