*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

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Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*


I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.


me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight


Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.


If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.


I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.


Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.


ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog