*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
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Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.