Her: We really need to do something about global warming
Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
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I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog