PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
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Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
It must be so weird to be straight or gay.. like ur just not attracted to half of hot people?
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I know karate and tons of other words.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation