Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
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[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
🙂🐾
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.