Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
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HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.