Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
You Might Also Like
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
“Worm Regards”
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying