Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.

-me, to the vegetables in my fridge

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress

ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.

Lately I have the attention span of wait what

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.

Very good! 👍😂

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.

[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
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( • – •) /
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/

Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energy

Reality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy

[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´･ω･)
/　 ⌒ヽ
(人＿＿つ_つ

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in

Carpenter: …what