Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
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HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
see you in hell you stupid fruit
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I’m most like a dog when after someone has hurt me I won’t get too close to them again.
Also when I’m eating food that fell on the floor.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.