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BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
How software testing works