Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans

This classic never gets old . . .

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-

.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.

*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook

STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”

“Nope.”

“A spider? An aardvark?”

“Wrong. It’s a horse.”

“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower

Pass gas, not judgment.

If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.

If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop