PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]
hi, I would like to make a return
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks