Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right

Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

interviewer: would u say ur driven

[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]

me: oh yes

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

Economists trying to explain how inflation is real

hand it over!

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

making sure he doesnt get away

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.

Coming soon to AMC:

“BAKING BRAD”