*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
You Might Also Like
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
oh good, now I can stop drinking
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I’m good, thanks.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?