*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
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You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again